My son died almost 20 years ago, and a day doesn't go by without thoughts of him. Strangely, when my husband died 2 years ago, I mourned my son all over again. The grief never goes away, but sometimes really strange things bring it back. It feels like someone, or something hit me very hard in my midsection. Like having the breath knocked out of you. Other times it feels like I have a very large stone in my chest. I finally realize that I need to forgive people who say careless things. If it hasn't happened to you, you have no idea what it feels like. I'm sure I was thoughtless too, before it was my son who died, and not someone else's.

Excellent article. thank you! I would also add:

- Bring your friends a meal, bring them takeout, offer to cook dinner at their place, take them to get something to eat... one way or another, help your friends eat. When we are grieving, we don't feel like cooking. Often, even calling for delivery is too much to handle as is going for takeout. And sometimes, the family cannot afford to go out to eat or have pizza delivered. Especially after illness, losing a loved one can cause serious financial damage in additional to the obvious emotional and mental drain. But eating is necessary - we must indeed "keep our strength up" and keep our blood sugar stabilized. Stress is harmful to our bodies in physical ways, so we must keep ourselves nourished... even when doing so is the last of our concerns.

- Do something special for your friends. 5 months after my beautiful daughter's passing, my best friend messaged me and told me she'd just gotten her hair done and loved, it, and asked if I wanted to go the next week myself, her treat, and have my hair colored, cut, whatever. Just two months ago, she asked if I wanted to go on a road trip with her. Coming from the point of the friend on the receiving end, I can tell you this: It's the unexpected, unrelated, out-of-the-blue gifts that mean SO much.

And here's what NOT to do: Break your promises to your grieving friends. If there was ever a time to keep your word, this is it. So don't make promises that you don't intend to keep or even suspect you MIGHT not be able to keep for some reason. Your friends need stability right now, along with your friendship. Breaking promises now will only serve to damage your friendship and hurt your friend.

Never, EVER assume, ask if, or otherwise entertain the idea that your friends are going to "get over it" one of these days. You never get over the loss of a child. I hear that you eventually learn to live with it, but not having come that far myself, I can't say from personal experience.

Sometimes, just you being there is enough for your friends. You have no idea how many "friends" tend to fade away in the face of grief. If you can be one of those who doesn't, you are a true treasure and a blessing to your grieving friends. Knowing they can pick up a phone, send an e-mail, shoot a text or IM to and be able to talk with you is comforting. Stay in touch - reassure them that you're still around, still a friend with a listening ear and a strong shoulder.