Keeping a journal can give you just such a friend.
Journals are helpful at any time in your life, but they can be especially therapeutic during stressful times such as during grief or during times of making major decisions. If you don’t have someone close to discuss things with who understands what you’re going through, your journal can be of very great value.
Anyone can keep a journal. You don’t have to be a writer. You don’t have to know how to spell or how to use correct punctuation. Neatness is not important for a journal. It’s for your eyes only.
There are many different reasons for keeping a journal, but this article will deal with its value for our healing after losing your precious loved one.
When you write in a journal, you emotions are poured out bit by bit as you write. Those of you who have never written the events down until your loved one’s birthday or anniversary of loss have found that there are so many emotions bottled up, it’s excruciatingly painful for they tumble out in a rush, tearing your wounded heart afresh.
What is the difference between a journal and a diary? A diary is a record of daily events, but journaling is simply writing about how we are affected by these events.
You can record anything you like in your journal. It’s simply a record of what you’re thinking or feeling. You can even have lists in the back of things to do, books to read or helpful quotes.
You can use any paper, but you may find a colorful spiral bound notebook a good way to start. Any size will do. Stationery departments carry attractively bound journals but one of the advantages of a spiral notebook is that after you’ve vented some of your anger, you may feel even better tearing that page out and destroying it!
Writing in a journal is of inestimable value in helping us sort through the difficulties, problems and perplexities of life.
Sometimes it’s hard to put into words what we are feeling about something. People ask bereaved families questions causing us to become tongue-tied or because our mind is so full of pain and perplexities, we end up bawling or doing something which humiliates us. When our minds are a jumbled mess, we add frustration to our day. Writing things out on paper helps to clarify and unscramble the confusion in our mind. Experiences become more bearable and less perplexing when we write them down.
You will be pleasantly amazed how your journal helps sort out things in your mind. Setting time aside for occasional “journal breaks” will be so rewarding.
As bereaved people, we often feel we’re on top of an emotional volcano about to erupt. When we find our emotions are at a breaking point, we’re overloaded with stress. One simple relief from this stress can be journaling. Whether you ever re-read what you’ve written doesn’t matter. Much anger frustration, and hurt can be poured out harmlessly on paper. Tears may flow as we write, but these tears are healing. Later, we’ll notice that we feel less “ready to break.” With a healthy outlet for our festering emotions, we are making room for healing balm to be poured on our wounded heart.
Sometimes there are so many decisions to be made, our minds are in a whirl. If we just sit down and write out the decisions, making two columns underneath for listing advantages and disadvantages of them, it can save us hours of inner turmoil. Writing things out helps clarify in our own mind what to do.
Date your entries. Later on, if you should decide to re-read your journal, you can see how far you’ve come. You’ll appreciate having the writings dated then.
Don’t be a slave to your journal -- it’s to be a friend. Only write in it when you want to. Five minutes a day or one-half hour a week may fit your lifestyle best. You may go for days or weeks without writing. However, you might like to post an update each week during those lulls. Later, you’ll enjoy reading those updates.
Your family will also reap benefits from your journal. With this avenue for venting your pain, you’re less apt to take your frustrations out on them.
We all have occasional setbacks on our journey to healing. Re-reading your journal later, it’s easier to see encouraging progress.
Why not try to spend a few minutes each week for the next few weeks, writing about the death of your loved one or how you’re coping? Your disappointment in how people avoid you or the warmth of new friends you’re making are good to include. Reminisce about your loved one and eventually include how the death occurred. The painful things are often accompanied with tears, but they will be cleansing and healing.
May you find your journal to be a very good friend -- one to whom you can tell everything. Let it be a friend who plays a valuable role in your healing. ---Carol Ruth Blackman
***This is such a great article that I had to share it.***
Pat Mankle
Healing Hearts
for Bereaved Parents
www.healingheart.net
As you consider your vacation plans, please be aware that communication with your other family members is more important than ever if you find yourself mourning the loss of a loved one at this time. The goals and expectations of each family member might be different. So, it is best to find out what they might be ahead of time to avoid possible conflicts during what should be a restful time.
Among the articles on the Healing Hearts web site is one about this subject with some great insights and suggestions. You can check it out at www.healingheart.net/articles/vacations.html
In the meantime...we hope that everyone has a chance to enjoy their July 4th holiday and finds some time to rest during this summer season.
...Pat Mankle
Healing Hearts for Bereaved Parents
www.healingheart.net
I have found that if I have some sort of "plan" for how I would spend the day, I am more relaxed and less anxious about the day -- in this case, my son's birthday. I usually buy a small flower arrangement plus a small Mylar balloon and take them to Daniel's grave and spend a few moments remembering his past birthdays.
As I have served and talked to grieving families, I have heard of other ways that families have made these special days easier.
1) Some have held a birthday party of sorts in their home and have lighted a candle in honor of their loved one.
2) Some have gone to the cemetery with helium balloons and tiny bits of note paper. Notes expressing how much the deceased person is loved and missed are written on the notes and tied to the balloons. The balloons are then released and watched as they float away.
3) Still others have taken relaxing vacation trips -- either to a quiet getaway or to a spot that was a favorite of their loved one.
Whatever the plan -- the best thing to do is to make sure it's what YOU need to do. Everyone grieves differently and what is right for one person is not likely to be right for another. Also, what's right for you now might not be what you need later. Just follow your heart regardless of how crazy it might seem.
Until next time.... I will leave this very special wish...
...may the Lord wrap you in His abundant love and peace and may He put caring and understanding people in your path as you continue this journey we call grief.
Love in Christ…..Pat Mankle
Healing Hearts for Bereaved Parents
www.healingheart.net
Because losing a child is the worst of all tragedies, people simply do not know what to do--how to help--what to say and not to say.
As friends, you honestly hurt for the bereaved parents. You want, more than anything, to take away their pain. Your heart aches for them. You cry for them and with them. You, too, miss the child that has been suddenly taken away from them.
This is for you, friends of bereaved parents. It contains ideas and suggestions so that you will better able and equipped to aid your friend.
THE IMMEDIATE NEEDS OF THE BEREAVED
Of all the things people say the phrase, “Call me if there is anything I can do to help.” is the most common. What are more helpful are offers to do something more specific to aid the bereaved. Be careful not to totally take over all day to day duties. Sometimes they need to do for themselves. The key here is to offer and then let them decide.
Ask the bereaved parents if they wish to contact other friends and family members themselves or if they prefer for someone else to make the calls.
The bereaved parents will probably not want to answer the phone. You can offer to man the phone and take messages.
Regular household chores can seem overwhelming. You can also offer to take care of cleaning their home and running errands.
Offer to help with the funeral arrangements. A friend should accompany the bereaved to the funeral home. The bereaved more often than not will know what they want, but cannot handle or concentrate on the financial details.
WEEKS AND MONTHS FOLLOWING FUNERAL
The key to these suggestions, again, is to take your cues from your bereaved friend. Just offer and understand that they may accept your offer or turn you down depending on what is best for them at that time.
Returning to a job is the first step in returning to routine life, and it is a most difficult step. You can offer to drive the bereaved parent to and from work for the first few days. Driving requires concentration, something that the bereaved have a hard time with in the early stages of grief.
If there is a parent who has no job and is left at home during the day, you can call to talk or invite your friend out to lunch or to take them out for any errands that they may need to take care of.
If you have memories of the deceased, share them by all means. This may cause tears but this is not a bad thing. In fact it may be the best thing. Tears are a part of the healing process.
Going through a deceased child’s room--drawers, closets, bathroom--is by far one of the most difficult chores. Offer to help but understand that they may not be ready to do this for months after the death of their child. Some parents also prefer to do this on their own over the course of weeks. Don’t rush them.
Try to help your friends resume their normal social life. This will have to be done very slowly. Be prepared for tears in public. It will happen for a long time. Keep social gatherings to small groups.
Books about grief are a super idea as a gift. If you know of a grief support group in your area, then advising your friend of it will be appreciated. Just understand that support groups are not for everyone.
HOLIDAYS AND SPECIAL OCCASIONS
Holidays such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day emphasize the absence of the deceased child. Contacting your friend in any way you can will most definitely be appreciated. You can send a card, make a phone call or invite your friend out for lunch or dinner.
Thanksgiving and Christmas...The family holidays are especially difficult. You can offer to help with Christmas shopping or with cards or any other chores to make the holiday less stressful.
FATHERS...
Men seldom communicate their feelings. They believe it is not masculine to cry. What happens to these men when their child dies before they do? They don’t know how to express their pain and grief, but they need, more than anything, love and affection. Their sorrow and sadness is as great as the mother’s but few recognize or acknowledge it.
As a male or female friend, what can you do for the father? Understand that his needs are as great as the mother’s. Take him to lunch and talk. Let him talk and express himself--let him cry. Listen to him. Cry with him. In your normal, busy life, take time for your bereaved friend. call him on the phone during the day. Let him know you’re thinking of him. Exercise with him. Play golf with him. Let him know he is loved and cared about.
UNDERSTANDING THE BEREAVED PARENT
As the friend of the bereaved parent you must understand that from the beginning that, try as you may, you cannot take away the pain of your grieving friends. The pain of loss is to be with them for the rest of their lives. Only time, struggle and the desire to live again can ease this pain in the years to come.
Following are characteristics and problems that your bereaved friends will experience immediately after the death of their child.
Loss or Gain of Appetite and Weight.
Lack of Comprehension and Concentration.
Physical Problems caused by shock and depression.
Sleep Problems (Insomnia)
Fear of the Future
They might not return phone calls
Their religious beliefs may be questioned
Memory Loss
Making Major Decisions may be Difficult
THINGS TO SAY--AND NOT SAY--TO BEREAVED PARENTS
Do Not Say
It must have been God’s will. Why would God want their child to die?
God must have needed your child. No one needs the child more than the bereaved parent.
I understand how you feel. You cannot know how they feel unless you, too, have lost a child.
He/She is in a better place now. This comment will be resented because the parents feel their child was happy with them.
It’s time to move on. There is no specific time frame for an individual to grieve.
Things to Say
I love you.
I cannot begin to understand your pain, but I’m here for you.
Would you like to talk?
I loved your child and I miss him/her.
We’ll get through this together.
I’m praying for you every day.
You will all be together someday.
___(name of child)___loved you very much.
You were the best parent/parents.
I’m proud of you.
Above all else...be a willing ear.
Grief is a totally emotional experience and because of this, the thoughts and feelings that your friend may express will undoubtedly be irrational. That’s o.k. and normal. Don’t be alarmed and don’t try to talk them out of feeling that way. Just listening and asking questions of them to clarify your understanding of what they have said is the best thing you can do. Your friend will appreciate this more than you know.
I hope this information is helpful.
Pat Mankle
www.healingheart.net
If you find yourself among the pages of this blog -- or on the remainder of the Healing Hearts web site (www.healingheart.net), please feel free to comment about anything you find here. We just ask that you respect the intent of these pages by keeping your comments "G" rated.
Thanks...
Pat Mankle
www.healingheart.net